Ref's ~

I praise you As the low gets lower, I praise you with words my heart doesn't understand,  I thank you.  I thank you for reasons I do not know.  My tears are prayers that my mouth cannot speak,  My heart longs for the day my life ends,  When grief ends.  When guilt ends.  When sorrow ends.  I am not suicidal,  I crave peace,  I crave Your presence.  So please God make yourself known.  I cling to You.  I hope in You.  Rescue me.   Don't forsake me, my God,  Don't leave me behind, my Saviour.  May my story become the proof of your merciful grace And great kindness,  I draw close to you.  I'm learning to trust in you.  And so even when my heart fails, may Yours beat for me. 

At my lowest, I sought shelter in the quiet mercies of God. In the chaos, I sought strength in His gentle voice. I have been here a thousand times before. This little secret place where He and I meet. In the rain, in the shine, He never fails to show up for me. Some nights, I leave this world behind to find Him. Some days, I wake up at dawn because He found me. There is strength here in the envelope of His presence. There is warmth in His breath when He speaks to me. But in the past few days, I have felt His sorrow. There is love in His tears when He cries. There is a longing in His broken heart, and here under the shadow of His wings, as the branches dance, as the leaves rustle, as the wind whistles, my heart breaks too. I will show up for Him. I will show up for the ones His heart breaks for.

      I once cried inhaling the smoke of a burnt  forest... I've watched dandelions dance, I've heard waterfalls roar with war songs And seeped out into deep river runs, I remember the pleasure of sunsets and the terror of vicious snakes, The sweat flowing down my back and neck, The sound my nostrils make as they struggle to breathe, My heart thumping, my knees cracking... But I also remember the trees growing tired, The rocks groaning under the fire, The leaves screaming in sheer terror, The hills growing smaller and smaller, For a long moment, the world did not make sense to me, I struggled to reconcile, I struggled to put my heart back in. Memory can be a cruel witch, But Repetition is the merciless one. And I am knocking at her door with all kinds of interpretation, all kinds of questions.. "Where did all the melodies go?" "Why have my hills disappeared?"   

Penned a lot of words and metaphors but they all flew away, Collected pieces of myself I found by the shore but the tides stole them all. I wear my heart on my sleeves, So when I break, I break like the waves; A thousand droplets scattered into the ocean, All for me to find. Damn this life, and the little progress I've made, Damn these fears that shoved me to the cliff, Damn these shackles on my ankles sinking me to the abyss. Is this what God had in mind when He made me? I thought I've prayed all my anxieties away, I thought leaving would make me forget them all. I wear my heart on my sleeves, But I'm teaching my hands how to roll them up, And get ready for whatever comes. Damn all these worries. Damn all these possibilities. Damn this heart of mine for feeling too much. What did God have in mind when He made me? I have no choice but to become a tyrant, Wreck all the things in my way, blow through storms, Rage angrier than them, hold darker clouds. So damn all ...

I love it when I finally understand something about God, when I look at my life and see His goodness, when something about being close to Him makes sense... But Life happens. Grief introduces itself. Heartbreak knocks on the door. Questions sleep in your bed. Then, I wrestle with God. I struggle with Him. It is so incredibly profound to meet Him then, to meet Him with anger and sorrow in my heart, To meet Him even when I don't want to. To meet Him in the messiness of my life, Not as Someone I trust or understand or even love, But as Someone who is proving Himself to be God regardless of what my feelings are... I meet Him then, in humility, open to His works, Open to His mysteries.  The Light, thus, shine brightest in the face of darkness.