Deconstructed

It's almost August. 

Life is different. 

I don't even feel like myself anymore, but in a good way. 

Maybe, I am in the process of becoming someone different, not someone else. 

Or maybe, I'm exhausted from the mental load that I have signed up for. 

I love studying Russian literature and Existential philosophy. 

Everything and everyone, now, seems to me so daunting and mystical. 

I am learning about stoicism. 

Courage. Temperance. Wisdom. Justice. These four things. 

But they have a start. Acceptance. An acceptance of your own fate. Love your fate. Then, you'll love your life. Amor fati. 

I love my solitude. I love doing the things that I used to do with someone else, but this time all by myself. 

I love this courage that I have found within myself to do things I never thought I was capable of. 

I am thinking thoughts I never thought I would be brave enough to think. 

I used to think companionship is a necessity. 

Companionship is a privilege, a luxury. 

I am trying to find this balance in my life. Between being a poet and heartless. 

Between loving wholeheartedly and controlling my reactions. 

I am selfish. I spend my time doing things that would benefit myself.

I love helping people. It makes me feel good inside. 

Even my most selfless acts have a selfish motive. 

So maybe, I am selfish. 

I haven't written anything worthy to be read by any. 

Just thoughts. Fragments. Ideas. Half-truths.