Ref's ~

    I am a person with a mind, hence with thoughts, hence with ideas, hence with anxieties. My coping mechanism is to think of a plan and another plan as backup, and a dozen of other backup plans for my backup plan. I like to be in control. I like to calculate the odds and the evens. I like to make everything known. I am a human being.        There is a God. A God who seems to me as if He does His planning in a completely different manner than I do. A God who knows the odds and likes going against them. A God who seems to me like He enjoys taking risks and crazy chances. A God who seems as if He enjoys flipping tables and man's ideas upside down. He is God and He thinks far differently than humans do.     The control of man has to give way for the "chaos" of God. God has called us to give up our will to follow His, to give up what we know for something we don't, to replace our constants with His variables, to quit our step-by-s...

We dream of you  With sunlight in our eyes And rain in our hearts.  We search for you Through a telescope,  For you are far more infinite than the universe.  Somehow if we're lucky,  We'll catch a glimpse of your shooting star. We look for you  Through a microscope, For you are there  In the blood vessels of life,  In the branches of existence,  In the minute details,  In the silent cries.  We long for you With hurt in our eyes And hope in our hearts. 

What goes around comes around,  And you'll find yourself renewing memories,  You'll find yourself right back to where you started,  But somewhere completely new.  God doesn't want me to dwell in the past, But today he led me here.  I was once standing on this hill As a completely different person With someone completely different Than today.  Back then I returned home with scratches on my legs Because the grasses were too tall,  And there was a drought but still I was afraid to cross the river.  Now here I am on a golden hill,  The grasses are soft on my skin,  The water feels alive through my fingers.  Yes, the pain was mine  But so was the resentment.  Yes, I never received a sorry But the chain was mine to set free.  Forgive my anger,  Forgive me for not forgiving. 

I don't need to introduce myself. But I kinda want to. My name is Refaia. My close friends call me Ref. My family calls me Reef. I have a bunch of other nicknames too. As of right now, I'm feeling a lot of things but overall, I am content and joyful. I look at my life, I feel nothing but gratitude. I have absolutely no idea what my future holds, but I praise God. When I couldn't even look up, he bent down and I know he would do that for me again, again and again... And it comforts me. Everyday I'm trying and learning and reaching further than I did yesterday. Some days, I pat myself on the back for being productive and some days, just for getting up and trying. Life, even with God by my side isn't any easier, but it gives me a sense of purpose. And I'm not ashamed of how I live my life, because it is here where I find him. Here with these boring activities and slow songs, he became real to me. I don't like luxury and trends but I don't li...

Friendships come in a lot of ways,  For me it came in the form of a little fur ball.  My little buddy went away leaving behind a rainy heart,  An empty space in all my rainy nights.  You took care of me and I'll never forget you my favorite bud. You were cuter than Toothless and your eyes were as curious as the stars  who wonder,  "What are humans up to again? "  And they twinkle too when you see me come home.  7years ago I used to hate cats. And you changed that.  When I was crying the whole night, you were sleeping on my chest.  And rubbing your little face on mine.  Which made me feel so horrible When I was looking at your little body struggling to breathe And couldn't do anything anymore Except put you down from your pain.  But you didn't allow us to do that,  You passed naturally.  And I'll always remember holding you in my arms in your last moments.  I grieved you too.  I'll never find anot...

God bless the ordinary days.  God bless the quiet days. God bless the hopeless dreams we shamelessly confess to our friends on the way back home, the recipes we share with our neighbours near our front doors. In the quaint, In the quiet, In the ambiguity,  In the ordinary, You'll find him there too.

It takes being a hopeful fool to trust in You.  What a ridiculous pursuit Of You.  But I am here,  And this hope  Gives me the look  Of an optimist.  I am not an optimist.  I am a worshipper.  And where I build my altar,  He builds his home.