Ref's ~

It's almost August.  Life is different.  I don't even feel like myself anymore, but in a good way.  Maybe, I am in the process of becoming someone different, not someone else.  Or maybe, I'm exhausted from the mental load that I have signed up for.  I love studying Russian literature and Existential philosophy.  Everything and everyone, now, seems to me so daunting and mystical.  I am learning about stoicism.  Courage. Temperance. Wisdom. Justice. These four things.  But they have a start. Acceptance. An acceptance of your own fate. Love your fate. Then, you'll love your life. Amor fati.  I love my solitude. I love doing the things that I used to do with someone else, but this time all by myself.  I love this courage that I have found within myself to do things I never thought I was capable of.  I am thinking thoughts I never thought I would be brave enough to think.  I used to think companionship is a necessit...

  The poet's curse is his ability to see what others just look at. His curse is finding everything metaphorical for the bad things happening in his life. His curse is finding parallels where there need not be. He overcomplicates the simple and deepens the depthless surface. Poetry makes the sunset, not just the sun setting, but hearts losing warmth,  And silhouettes, are not just shadows, but the world losing colours,  The rain, not just the water falling, but heaven grieving a loss.  Yet, when he has nothing and feels empty, he reaches out and finds only poetry by his side.  And so I wonder,  if I ever ran out of words to write        would I feel empty                                             or finally free?   

"Is it time?",  I pray.  No, My child. I wanted a yes from Him,  Desperately.  But too often,  I've done things by myself  And end up hurting myself and others.  "Give me patience and strength To stand Even when you'll take it  away from me.  I do not want to lose it,  But I do not want to lose You even more.  Tell me when it's time to let go." My child,  I see what You don't.  I know what you don't.  I hear what you don't.  I know what is best for you.  Wait. Wait for Me.  I will make it happen in the right time.  Let Me work. Let Me seek. Let Me do this for you.  You only have to trust and wait for Me.  This is how I'm protecting you.   I want to give you the best.  And once again my heart will say,  You give and You take.  Blessed be Your name. 

A walk down memory lane and I still remember her scent, her scoldings, her sunny side up eggs which she would give me for lunch everyday, the shows she would make me watch to keep me distracted. I was too young to understand the value of having an aunt (who plays the role of a mother occasionally) but looking back I see the hand of God and how he orchestrated everything for the greater good.     The last time I saw her was on a Saturday. She said to me that she had just plucked the last corn cob from her little garden. And she gave it to me and Lily. We thanked her. She looked happy. She looked okay. She looked well. She looked perfectly normal. Little did we know, she would pass the next morning.     The Sunday she died was a dark one, especially for my mother who had just lost her little sister. But I won't talk about that Sunday. I want to talk about the last Sunday afternoon of her life which was the most special to her. It gave us all hope ...

    I am a person with a mind, hence with thoughts, hence with ideas, hence with anxieties. My coping mechanism is to think of a plan and another plan as backup, and a dozen of other backup plans for my backup plan. I like to be in control. I like to calculate the odds and the evens. I like to make everything known. I am a human being.        There is a God. A God who seems to me as if He does His planning in a completely different manner than I do. A God who knows the odds and likes going against them. A God who seems to me like He enjoys taking risks and crazy chances. A God who seems as if He enjoys flipping tables and man's ideas upside down. He is God and He thinks far differently than humans do.     The control of man has to give way for the "chaos" of God. God has called us to give up our will to follow His, to give up what we know for something we don't, to replace our constants with His variables, to quit our step-by-s...

We dream of you  With sunlight in our eyes And rain in our hearts.  We search for you Through a telescope,  For you are far more infinite than the universe.  Somehow if we're lucky,  We'll catch a glimpse of your shooting star. We look for you  Through a microscope, For you are there  In the blood vessels of life,  In the branches of existence,  In the minute details,  In the silent cries.  We long for you With hurt in our eyes And hope in our hearts. 

What goes around comes around,  And you'll find yourself renewing memories,  You'll find yourself right back to where you started,  But somewhere completely new.  God doesn't want me to dwell in the past, But today he led me here.  I was once standing on this hill As a completely different person With someone completely different Than today.  Back then I returned home with scratches on my legs Because the grasses were too tall,  And there was a drought but still I was afraid to cross the river.  Now here I am on a golden hill,  The grasses are soft on my skin,  The water feels alive through my fingers.  Yes, the pain was mine  But so was the resentment.  Yes, I never received a sorry But the chain was mine to set free.  Forgive my anger,  Forgive me for not forgiving.